• How do I put this delicately? Chris Brown is both a big dick and has a big dick. He just wishes the latter made up for the former. (You’ll have to click over to the link for the full photo.) [Crushable]
• Well this is convenient: Kim Kardashian never got around to changing her last name of Humphries, which means she won’t have to change it back when their divorce is official! From now on, I am going to suggest that everyone wait more than 72 days before changing their names and call it “The Kardashian Waiting Period.” [TMZ]
• Kris Jenner — that’s Kim’s mom and manager — says Kim didn’t “make a dime” off her wedding, to which I say, “Bitch, pleeeeeasssssse, and I am pregnant with Ryan Gosling’s baby.” [TooFab]
• Sometimes I like to present weirdly amazing headlines just as they are written, for example: “Rebecca Crimmins, Amateur Australian Model, Says Tampon Assault Has Ruined Her Life.” I clicked. [Huffington Post]
• What reading Sex and the Single Girl taught writer Anna David, a Frisky contributor, about her career. [The Grindstone]
• Oh, so that’s why Julie has been so quit today: theBERRY has 31 photos of Joseph Gordon-Levitt. [theBERRY]
• LeAnn Rimes dressed up as a pregnant and smoking bride for Halloween. [Evil Beet Gossip]
• Take the time to read this lovely essay about being pregnant without a mother figure of your own. [The Stir]
• I love this list of childhood movies to watch again and again — my pick: “Anne of Green Gables”! [College Candy]
• According to Ask Men, gentleman do not prefer blondes. Here are 10 reasons why brunettes have it made. [Ask Men]
• There’s a doctor out there who claims he can turn brown eyes blue … permanently. But then Van Morrison’s “Brown-Eyed Girl” wouldn’t be as fun to karaoke, Dr. Smarty Pants! [Newser]

We still feel that Michael Fassbender and his penis were robbed of an Oscar nom for their work in “Shame.” I mean, come on, their performances were unprecedented! Even Charlize Theron agrees. “Your penis was a revelation. I’m available to work with it any time,” she joked at a recent Human Rights Campaign gala. “I have to say that I was truly impressed that you chose to play it big … Most other actors would have gone small, trust me. I know because I’ve worked with them,” Theron went on. Since its full frontal appearance in the film, Fassbender’s member has gained notoriety in Hollywood for its largesse. Sexiest Man Alive, George Clooney even sounded slightly jealous. He followed up Theron’s endorsement of Fassbender’s peen with a joke about him being able to play golf with his “hands tied behind his back.” Now that’s talent! Click through for more legendary celebrity members. [People]

When Rihanna touches herself onstage, everyone thinks it’s so sexy. But celebrity guys don’t get the same love when caught with their paws on their packages. These pics of Mark Wahlberg getting up in there surfaced today. Hey, sometimes we all need to rearrange things in the crotch area. I don’t mind watching Marky Marky touch himself, do you? Click through to spy on some more celebrity men adjusting their junk. [Buzzfeeed]

“That was my first day [on the set] and that was a miserable day. It was smoky, it was hell, and I felt really uncomfortable. I’m not well-endowed, and those suits don’t really show you off in the most …”

– Mark Ruffalo talks about some of the, uh, challenges of playing Hulk in “The Avengers.” No need to finish that sentence, Mark. I know where you’re going with that thought, and I should tell you right now that I don’t care about the size. You have nothing to apologize for. You are well-endowed with other things: talent, hotness, humbleness, chest hair. We shan’t speak of it again. Now, undress me! [WOW]

Oh, hi there. Here’s a picture I found of Paul Rudd sucking on a penis. Just because … well, does there need to be a reason to suck a d**k? NO. See Paul and his penis in its full NSFW glory after the jump.

P.S. I need this water bottle. [WOW]

According to In Touch Magazine, Casper Smart, not only got his penis inked, but got his “girlfriend’s name tattooed on [his] nether region.” According to a friend, “Casper surprised J.Lo with this token of his affection – and she was thrilled with the latest addition to his already inked-up body … Jennifer thinks Casper’s tattoos are sexy, but this one is her favorite, for obvious reasons … She loves it, and she loves him.”

Oh no. Fatal mistake. If this tidbit is true, Casper has just ensured himself a breakup. Getting a GF/BF’s named prematurely inked on your body (especially on the dick) is a very bad omen. That’s gonna suck getting that lasered off once Jennifer tells him that their relationship was just for fun. [WOW]

Celeb Couples who got matching tattoos and then broke up

11 Photos »

Before things get awkward here, I feel the need to make a disclaimer that talk of Michael Fassbender’s penis (or him in general) does not come without an acknowledgement of the horrific domestic violence charges that were brought against him by an ex-girlfriend and later dropped. I take these charges seriously and they indeed color my view of Mr. Fassbender. You may read more about the details here.

That being said: I am here to talk about amateur drawings of his penis. I saw Michael Fassbender’s dong (heretofore referred to as Fassdong) ever so briefly in “Shame.” Although I didn’t commit Fassdong to memory, I just remember it was very large. So large, that my friend who I saw the movie with and I still discuss it occasionally. Some seem to believe that Ridley Scott’s latest film, “Prometheus,” used the legend of the Fassdong to distract people from the fact that the film sucked. I haven’t seen it yet, so I’m in no position to weigh in. Vice Magazine, wondering how many people would see a movie solely for the fame of its lead penis, challenged audience members at the London premiere of the film to draw their own version of Fassdong. Click through to see some of the NSFW results.

There were a lot of moments in 2012 that stood out, that burst forth, rose in prominence and were hard to ignore. These 12 moments in celebrity bulges were our favorites. We hope they’re swelling with pride.

I know Jon Hamm is tired of being objectified by the media for his impossible to ignore large twig-and-berries situation. But as much as I would truly love to honor his request and talk about more important things, like Ryan Gosling’s abs, or Channing Tatum’s butt, or Megan Fox’s toe thumbs, I can’t. Because Jon Hamm’s bulge is all up in my face every time I log onto the celeb paparazzi sites. Jon Hamm’s balls, comin’ at my face, every single day. I’m sorry, Jon. Please don’t be mad. I promise to try harder tomorrow. [Photos: Fame/Flynet]

jon hamm's 8 most ballsy moments

8 Photos »

What would Ryan Loche do? Put his huge erection on television, it seems. [Guyism]

I mean, right? Justin Theroux went brief-less filming a jogging scene for his new movie yesterday, while the “Liz & Dick” actor brought his moose knuckle to the “Despicable Me” 2″ premiere. Settle down, guys. Jon Hamm doesn’t even want the title of “Most Obviously Big Balled Actor In Hollywood.” Let’s not be so competitive. There’s plenty of room in Hollywood for all of your impressive packages. [Photos: Splash News]

I’ve always assumed that my dream celebrity boyfriend Ryan Gosling was packing, but this deleted scene from “The Place Beyond The Pines” offers definitive proof. In the scene, Gosling’s character Luke is hauled off to jail and told to strip down to his (tight, blue) skivvies (that happens around the 2:30 mark). Bulge alert. Oh and why not just share a GIF too? That’s after the jump… [Total Film]

“It wouldn’t be acceptable it would be seen as sexual harassment, people saying [to an actress], Your vagina … You know? … I’m insecure, of course I am. But that was just a matter of me going, OK and just getting naked … I’ve never really thought of myself as good looking. I think of myself as, you know, alright … I used to have bad acne as a teenager, so all of this is a bonus now, the fact that I don’t have pimples any more…And my hair was also, you know, unfortunate. I had really long hair. I mean, I tied it back most of the time, but I had all these frizzy bits coming off the top.”

–Michael Fassbender shares his plight with Elle UK. Poor Fassy is just an insecure, former nerd who became a sexy-as-hell, epically well-endowed A-List actor. Leave him alone about his penis already! OK, you pervs? [Metro UK]

Fun Reddit threat alert! Redditor Bhighkin put a call out to the former groupies of Reddit to share their NSFW sexcapdes with rock stars. What ensued were a bunch of unreliable, friend-of-a-friend, hookup stories-turned total Reddit fuckery featuring Darius Rucker of Hootie and the Blowfish, Chad Kroeger, John Mayer, Eddie Vedder, Harry Styles, DMX’s mom (!) and some more famous pees who aren’t even rockstars. Find out who loves “rough anal“, who is way into buttholes, who is asexual, and who has a large dick, but is often too wasted to get up. I’ve included a few tidbits after the jump.

“A girl I used to have an on again, off again fling with had sex with Darius Rucker (hootie from hootie and the blowfish). She said he was a fantastic lay, a perfect gentleman, and even sang to her in the morning as he made her breakfast. On the way out he thanked her for being a good host and said she had a lovely house.”

“friend of a roommate’s mother fucked DMX. we got his number from her cell phone but his answering machine message was just him barking for 30 seconds.”

“At the club I work at several years ago (maybe five) kid rock came in one night after playing downtown. Well he hit it off with one dancer named Destiny. They went back to his tour bus, where they got fucked up and did they deed. She supposedly hung out with him for a week. And apparently he likes rough anal. So there’s that.”

“Mid 90s I was on the road a bit with Eddie Vedder. Nothing sexual eve happened between us. He was actually extremely tame and mellow. Didnt use drugs, drink too much, and was kind of asexual.We use to just talk about the meaning of life for hours on end.”

“My friend’s cousin dated Derek Jeter for a while and had keys to his apartment. According to the story she entered one day to find him butt ass naked on his couch watching highlights of himself and bumping his chest with his fist saying ‘YEAH JEETS, YEAH JEETS.’”

“I know a girl who used to hook up with Chad Kroeger from Nickelback all the time. Said he is hung like a horse which kinda pisses me off.”

“A friend of my banged Stephen Jenkins, the lead singer of Third Eye Blind. She was front row at a concert at the college she went to.. He told her to come backstage after the show and picked 2 other random girls too. After getting a closer look at them, he picked her and took her back to his trailer. I heard it was sweaty and he was REALLY fucked up (but what did you expect??)”

“I worked as a barmaid in various pubs in Camden Town for five years when it was indie central, so I got to hang around with a lot of bands…Julian Casablancas has a huge dick but was usually too fucked to get hard.”

“I’ve made a throwaway because One Direction fans terrify me. I’m from NY and was back in chelsea on break from college up north. I visited my favorite cupcake shop and ran into Harry Styles. (You don’t get to be a 20 year old american girl without recognizing the band members of one direction.) I tipped him off that the red velvet cupcakes were the best of the lot and made an exit. This shop is on a pretty quiet street (one of the old cobbled ones: the few the proud), so I turned around when I heard “excuse me.” There was Harry, recommended cupcake in hand. He walked to the end of the block with me and there was a car waiting for him. I thought seriously about just going home, but i was pretty sure this was the kind of adventure that doesn’t happen twice, so I got in when he offered. We drove around for awhile behind tinted windows talking casually, and eventually ended up at his hotel. He got out with a security guy that had been sitting in the front seat and told the driver to take me a couple blocks away, giving me directions to find his handler in the hotel. It was honestly surreal and I thought he was being a little bit ridiculous until I saw the literal mob of teenage girls at the front door. I worked my way through the crowd (nobody stopped me because I wasn’t with Harry.) Surprisingly, his slightly vague directions panned out and I ended up in his suite. We had great conversations, good sex, and excellent champagne, at which point he needed to leave for some facet of his job, so I headed out of the hotel outside past the mob of fans. It was a really bizarre experience, and ultimately I feel bad for him after witnessing all the smoke and mirrors that went into a casual afternoon. He seemed like a good guy, and I hope he’s doing well, but I have no desire for a repeat. I’m a really private person and am unwilling to take the risk of my name or picture leaking…oh my god the number of penis specific questions. He had a slightly larger than average (in my experience, which honestly isn’t vast) dick. It wasn’t covered in glitter and it didn’t smell like sunflowers, just a pretty normal penis that he put to pretty good use.”

“One night, John Mayer rolled through town during one of his tours. After his show, said friend of ex-girlfriend made her way back stage and got invited to hang out with John. Again, this is her thing and she’s good at. Pretty uneventful shit so far, but apparently at some point during the encounter her and John started to make out fairly heavily. This eventually lead to, in the heat of the moment, John leaning into this girl’s ear and whispering, “Let me see your fucking butthole”. Word for word, this is (apparently) what was said. I don’t know if said butthole was ever shown to Mr. Mayer, but I’d like to think it was.”

“I was at a John Mayer concert and me and a friend were invited backstage to ‘hang out.’ When we got back there he asked us if we were okay with him fisting either of us. When we said no, he laughed at us, called us ugly, and kicked us out.”

“Not me, but I know of two women who had a threesome with Thom Yorke in 2008. Apparently he was at a rough patch with his wife/girlfriend but they’re still together so maybe things are better now. They managed to get to the after party and then back to Thom’s hotel. He likes Asian girls. One of the girls was Asian, and 20 something, the other was a blonde 40 something who was bi and would hook up with the Asian girl which her boyfriend didn’t mind. The boyfriend is a fairly well known musician himself who has recorded albums of Radiohead covers and who himself is a fan, so presumably he was fine with the hookup. Thom said he’d write a song for her, and Lotus Flower was the result. The other band members don’t fool around on the road, and Thom doesn’t that often, apparently.”

My Bow makes my dick hard every time I smile…is that normal? pic.twitter.com/AI6k9TOGmu — Idris Elba (@idriselba) January 5, 2014

Last night, en route to the Palm Springs International Film Festival, Idris Elba tweeted this reference to his own hard manhood. Women swooned. And men everywhere were like, “I gotta wear bow ties more often.” [Twitter]

• Those alleged text messages between Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are fake, as are the dick pics. Sigh. Of. Relief. [PopBytes]
• Why do rich women have better sex than the rest of us overworked and underpaid ladies? Oh, maybe because they’re not working 50 hours a week and have time to do Pilates every day. Just a guess. [Nerve]
• Zit-popping porn would be a real hit. Now someone just needs to make it. [Em & Lo]
• Men explain why they’re just so over missionary position and all about anal. [Your Tango]
• Penis head puppets are not exactly appropriate for kids’ TV shows. [Huffington Post]
• An advice column penned by a proud slut. Aspiring sluts, prepare your questions. [College Candy]
• Here are some signs that you might be dangerously obsessed with your man. If there’s a Lifetime special about you, you definitely are. [The Stir]
• Aerie has vowed to stop airbrushing their teenage lingerie models.[The Gloss]
• This woman is out half a mil after being scammed by a man she met on ChristianMingle.com. So much for “God’s plan.” [Newser]
• You can see lots of steamy sex scenes on Netflix live-streaming. [PopSugar Love & Sex]
• Playboy playmate Cassandra Lynn was found dead in her home due to a possible overdose. [Uptown Magazine]

Jon Hamm does it often and would really prefer we didn’t talk about it, but I have a feeling Scott Disick won’t mind me commenting on his rather obvious bulge as he clearly freeballs while running errands. (I can see dickhead!) Given that our fave bonus Kardashian has dubbed himself a “Lord” and is fond of flaunting his wealth on Instagram, I’m a little surprised this is the first we’re seeing of his, ahem, seemingly large endowment. Perhaps a new Instagram photoshoot — featuring his member surrounded by stacks of cash and wrapped in Rolexes — is in order? [Photos: Splash News]

5 Seconds of Summer is a band that I managed to ignore up until now — but then Calum Hood, a member of the Australian boyband, showed me his dick and I had to take notice. Well, not me specifically, but the internet at large is now familiar with his phallus thanks to the magic of SnapChat. See, Hood — who is 18, BTW — apparently sent a SnapChat video of his junk to a 5SOS fangirl and she, of course, couldn’t wait to brag about it on social media. I don’t use SnapChat because I am an adult who only texts things I stand behind forever, but I thought the whole point was that whatever you send vanishes after a short amount of time? Maybe that’s why Hood was so comfortable unveiling his penis, but he was apparently naive to this fan’s wily ways, because she posted his video on Vine (Caption: CALUMS DICK IM SCREAMING). Hood took to Twitter to casually explain his naughty behavior, saying: “Least ya know what it looks like now,” and then “I’m still just a teenage kid learning from mistakes :).” I was gonna post the Vine after the jump, but the whole “teenage kid” thing — 18 though he may be — is making me feel guilty enough not to. So I’ll just link instead. [Vine via Cosmopolitan]

I never thought I’d say this, but I’m officially hot and bothered by one of the Jonas Brothers.

Nick Jonas is all grown up in a new issue of Flaunt Magazine, where the former boy-bander gives us a glimpse at his glorious ass dimples (yes, they’re actually nice, which is weird to me) AND his rather enticing package (which also seems very nice, but I will need further photographic evidence).

In an homage to Mark Wahlberg‘s infamous Calvin Klein ad, Nick stripped down and grabbed his junk wearing nothing but his boxer briefs, and while it looks kind of “college frat bro,” as Amelia says, I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers. Hell, I don’t care if he eats a sardine sandwich, because THAT BODY.

But please, someone tell me: how does he have such a cute butt crack, and how do I make my butt crack look cute like that? And last but not least, does anyone know a good therapist I can go to for wanting to do terrible, awful, delicious things to someone who used to be on The Disney Channel? Then again, so did Zac Efron, and he can eat the crackers, too.